Freedom Is Power

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Living A Double Life ....

This blogs sole purpose is to bring awareness. I am here to help who I can by sharing my story.

I received knee surgery  for an injury I sustained. I was living a normal life. After getting the surgery, I was prescribed 100 Lorcet 10/650 pills. I took the medicine everyday as prescribed . 1 pill every 4 hours as needed for pain. I didn't even realize until 6 or 7 months later that I had become addicted to the pills. During that time my addiction required more and more pills, to feel what I thought was normal. I realized that when I ran out of  the pills, I got very sick.  The withdrawals were unbearable.  My main concern was having enough pills so that I wouldn't be withdrawled. I was traveling all over to different states seeking out different doctors to feed my addiction. I went from taking 3 to 4 pills a day to 8 pills at one time ! 65 to 70 pills a day !  I was possessing hundreds of pills a week to feed my addiction ! Over a period of time, I stopped yawing, sneezing, and stretching. I lost my menstrual cycle for over 6 months. I was eating and sleeping crazy. The pills suppressed everything In my body. They numbed me. My life would easily be described as "Hell in a handbag !" Everyday I was chasing !!! Trying to find doctors everywhere to write me prescriptions for pain pills.

I remember one year being so desperate for pills from a doctor, that I took a flight from Philadelphia during a bad snowstorm to Atlanta, Ga on a Friday in hopes of getting a prescription for pills. I returned back home to Philadelphia on the very next day, my mission was unsuccessful.  I was very sick and withdrawaled . I couldn't understand why this was happening to me. I never did drugs my entire life. I had never drank alcohol, or even smoked a cigarette. I never understood anything about addiction until I actually became a full blown addict ! Throughout my entire 11 year addiction I never sought out any professional help. I was too afraid . The most I did was call 1 800 numbers trying to find a rehab that accepted my insurance. I never actually went into a rehabilitation center.  I began to loose my hearing 4 years ago. I thought I had a bad ear infection. I saw several Audiologist and Ent Doctors and  they couldn't give me any answers at the time. A Doctor told me that the Lorcet pills were causing me to loose my hearing. I was in denial and refused to believe the Doctor. I continued to take the pills, while still gradually loosing my hearing. I began wearing hearing aids and they weren't helping much because I was almost fully deaf. It sounded as if I walked outside of a nightclub with loud music ! It was a horrible ringing in my ears.

One Labor Day   I went into a rehab. I was so ill that I was transported to the local Emergency room. My blood pressure was dangerously low. I returned to the rehab and voluntarily signed myself out. I stayed for 4 days. I went back to my life of pills. I remember waking up in the middle of the night, my hearing aid battery died, and that's when I realized that I was totally deaf !!!! I went into a deep depression. I had to immediately transform my life and live the life of a deaf person. I loss my hearing in a 6 month period . I never learned sign language, but learned to somewhat lipread. I continued to CHASE MY ADDICTION.

whole  year  had passed after my rehab experience.  I was backed up against a wall. I ran out of cash. I was mentally and physically drained. Severely depressed and sleeping in my truck on a hot August night... I will never forget that night. My AHA MOMENT CAME... MY TRAJECTORY MOMENT HAPPENED... I was severely withdrawled sleeping in the back seat of my truck in a supermarket parking lot. It was at THAT MOMENT  AND TIME THAT I DECIDED THAT MY CHASE WAS OVER !!!!! I realized at that moment that it was either my life or my death.... I said a prayer for traveling mercy and then drove home very sick. When I reached home I prayed harder than I ever had. I gave up my fight and struggles. I prayed that God walk with me side by side through my journey. After that night I never took another pill . I did not go back into a rehab center. My sole goal was to get clean at home. I had an inner strength and felt that I could do this without rehabilitation. I knew my addiction was physical and I knew that once I got clean that I would never turn back. With the support and prayers of my parents my recovery began.

During my recovery days  It was not easy, so I will not sugar coat it. It was the hardest situation that I ever dealt with in my entire life. But I promise you It was the best decision I ever made In my whole life !
I was very sick. I had fever, chills,  diarrhea, lost of appetite, severe restlessness. The worst thing for me was restless leg  and restless arm syndrome. But each and every day I felt better and better and better. I looked out the window one morning and everything was so very clear. I was taking the pills for so long, that I hadn't even realized that they had effected my vision. My food began to taste better. I was able to yawn again. Sneezing, and stretching became normal again. I felt happy. I felt empowered. I felt strong, and motivated.
Every individual is different, and every addiction is different. I would recommend seeking professional help, If you are severely addicted. You have to be ready to save your own life ! You must want to live ! You must have faith ! You can not do it alone ! I beat an 11 year addiction COLD TURKEY !!!!!!!...  I learned to take it 1 day at a time. I  NEVERRRR EVERRRRR HAD THE DESIRE TO GO BACK !

I am permanently deaf from the opiates, but will soon be receiving cochlear implant surgery. My life tremendously improved. Things began to fall back into place.  I had a baby. I was so scared to be a mother, I felt how could I take care of a child that I could not hear. I felt incompetent. As time passed I began to gain my confidence back. In 2012 I gave birth to a baby boy at 24 weeks gestation on an ambulance.  He weighed 1 lb and 7 oz's. My baby spent 6 months in 2 Nicu's. He was a strong boy. I loved my baby so much.  All of my insecurities disappeared. I became the best mom that I could be ! I had some hard times during those Nicu days. There was never ever a moment or time where I felt the need to go back to my old life.  My baby came home for the first time when he was 5 months old. I was doing a lot of research on cochlear implant surgery, but never had many resources. A social worker then pointed me in the right direction.

My cochlear implant journey began in March of 2013. It would take almost a whole year to go through the cochlear process. In November of 2013 I underwent the procedure. It was a 4 1/2 hour surgery. I had a very successful recovery. In December of 2013 I heard my baby boy's voice for THE VERY FIRST TIME ! He is now 2 years old !
My life has not been easy , but I am so glad that I have learned very valuable lessons in exchange. These experiences have not defined who Iam. I have learned the true definition of PERSEVERANCE, ADVERSITY, and RESILIENCE..... My faith has kept me grounded, and given me strength.  I've always been a optimist,  and try to make the best out of the worst situations. FREEDOM IS POWER !

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